I believe there are times when all of us feel the need to be alone. Of course we love our families and our friends. Some of us enjoy social interaction with others in groups, one on one, or even chatting with a stranger at the feed store perhaps. But, there are times, for me at least, when I feel the need for utter solitude. A time for self reflection, just me having an inward look at myself. There should be no more honest conversation than the talk we have with ourselves.
My mind is like a house.
There are rooms within this house I call "myself". Behind every door is some integral part of my inner being. Each room contains a different part of who I am as a whole.
One room within me is well lit and warm, with floor to ceiling windows looking out into the future. The sun is bright with optimism, and it flows into the room in long shimmering rays of strength and happiness. This room is full of pleasant memories of the past, joys of the present, and hopes and plans for the future. I invite others into this room at times. It's a room I love, and need to visit as often as I can. It is a room full of my blessings.
The sun through the glass of this room also reveals the dust that settles on me each day; those tiny little intruding fragments of every day living that, when removed often, cause no real problem. Leave dust long enough though and it becomes dirt. I shake the dust particles off before they become a burden, and enjoy the cleanliness of this space. For good reason, there are two doors to this room.
There is another room that is not quite as bright and inviting perhaps, but it is warm and offers comfort none the less. The windows have curtains, and lamps and a fire light the space. The flames burn low in the fireplace, so that I have to put a log on from time to time to keep it alive. The warm fire illuminates the items in the room.The shelves and walls are full of old pictures. Family, friends, acquaintances, and landscapes stare at me from the frames where I have placed them... in the order of their importance.
There are many pictures of myself in this room, during every stage of my life. Some images are crisp and clear. Other images are not as vivid as they once were, but most are recognizable upon closer inspection. This is an emotion-filled room. A grab bag of smiles and laughter, tears, and bittersweet tinges of sadness. I am a private person and I don't invite others to this space as often. It's the place where I come to see the past, and reflect on those people, places, and things that have shaped me to be who I am today. Its my room of special memories. The good ones mostly. Bad memories I try to put away in another place.
There is another room. The door to this inner room is bolted. No one enters here but me; and I not as often as I should. I don't like this room within me, you see. The door opens to an unlit chamber, dark, and a bit foreboding. There are no windows here. There is only a lantern to light the room. The room is small and holds not too many things, thankfully, because some of what is here disturbs me. As I shine the light on the dark corners, I find that there are unpleasant things hidden here.
There are destructive weapons here. Some of the things are subtle. Some are frightening. Many of these things, I'm sorry to say, I have used, and have injured people. Some have destroyed my enemies. Some have hurt people I love and hold dear. And all of these things have hurt me at one time or another.
There are traces of selfishness, of pride and prejudice in this room. A box of wrong desires and purposes. Self-will is most abundant. A stack piled high of words that I wish had never been used; and dust laden words that I should have used and never did. Words like I Love You, and I'm sorry. The dark corners of this room I never let others see... if I can help it. There are times, however, when I get careless, and the door isn't fastened as good as it it should be, and folks get a peek inside. I'm embarrassed and ashamed when people get a look at something in this room. I know that I have to come here though... to clean.
As I shine a light in every corner of this dark room I find much work to be done. Sometimes its simply too much for me to be able to clean on my own, and I ask God for help. With hard work, the tools of honest self examination, and His mercy, I am able to move some things out of this room of secret faults... and in to the next room.
The next room is much brighter, it is not as full as I would like it to be, but what is here is encouraging and uplifting to me. I come here to remember the things that have been conquered, because that helps me to keep fighting the good fight. I have the tools of education and understanding here. I have the power of history in this space; the knowledge and wisdom that age brings. I have a growing collection of experiences here. Experience and time have helped me move things from the dark room to this room.
There are images here of those who have helped me in so many ways over the years. Images of friends, ministers, teachers, and strangers are all around me. There is no similitude, image, of God in the physical sense. But, I see him in the images of all the others, in the experiences that helped me rid myself of some things. I feel his presence. This is my trophy room. The room of enemies vanquished, fearful challenges met, and victories won with the help and the tools that are here. There is repentance.There is self-forgiveness in this room.
There are two doors in this room also. The one door I enter in, the other I exit through.The exit door leads back to the the brightest room that holds all my blessings.
Outside myself, in the natural world, is the physical room where I read, write, and think. This room is totally me. I'm surrounded by the things that matter to me. Dream catchers, old signs, furnishings made from barn finds at my great-grandpas' farm... all adorn the walls and shelves. It is the place where I come to rest. It is a place of relaxation. It is a place of solitude. When I can't walk in the woods (where I think the clearest) then it's in this place that I can come to be introspective. It is this room at times that is the gateway to the inner rooms of my thoughts. Its good to have a room that leads to all others.
Sometimes its good to get away, sometimes it's good to have a friend. It's always good to bend your knees. And sometimes it's good to travel through your self, through every room in your inner house...all alone.
